Friday, May 16, 2008

Dear Tama

Since last Saturday, everyday i discover someone i know fell for me once, or still is, and i'm starting to get paranoid

afraid that if i go out, another will confess to me and i think i wouldn't be able to handle it

but since i don't go out off my bed i will keep seeing those who love me and so i would just keep getting worring about them

and well, what meant to happen has to happen : nervous system break down for this joy mixed with pain , my brain exlpode and

my nose bled like hell i felt like just crying and laughing in the same time and tell to everyone around me that i feel so

loved and i want to share it so i went out of my room half naked screaming :


My mum just freaked out because she barely saw me this week, even if she was there all the time watching her dramas, but knows

i ididn't sleep that much and well hell i was crying laughing screaming half naked with a nose bleedin : what the fuck happend

to her and she makes no sens

i was just too happy and had eveything just right in front of me, my reason of existence and my wish came true without me

noticing : i was hoping i would make everyone i like happy, so i would feel useful, and loved, and would feel good in this

world and keep that little word, my word, as happy as i can, even if i can bring also pain in it.

no seriously,

i'm ok for love confession,


now i'm completely lost, and start to get to understand why all of them just stayed that late to be with me all saying

"well, it's fun to be with you and it can't be helpt if you are so damn cute !!! duh !! you can't stop poeple from falling

for you......"


i'm too afraid to say stupid things like before and hurt them now...


i listened to brian's advice : your friends have the right to know when you have problems you know ? i know you are kind

enough and patient enough to listen to others, but you can do it to. Because they also care for you.

well ok, but i know they have their own problems so i rather let them know when it's solve so they don't have to worry

it was mistake because they worry about me anyway duh...

i started to say my problem to the ones i know, and asked me "why can't you sleep Oo"

i would answer "because i can't think of how to start somthing to tell you because i was worried you woudl be too much

worried about me so i didn't tell it, since well, you coudln't do anything about is, so i'll tell you know in a email later if

i can finish it "

"ok now i'm REALLY worried"

duh...they can help me...advice and opinion...that's why we need a objectiv view...for me it was you, for brian it was words,

for matth ?????? job....but he doesnt have anyone to tell it to, he just doesn't express himself, too afraid to get hurt...

so i discoverd, that muten, a girl i used to love, and well as you know brian, love me....

they were too afraid to lose me because it was going to end our friendship and never told me...just like matth never told me

untill i bring that up !

"hey why are you staying so late lol you are cute but it's 11pm already Oo don't you want to go home ? don't tell me you love

me lol


"huh ?



"you do ????????



*think of something smart to say to get your ass off from the trouble you just get into yourseff stupid girl !!!

me : Are you going to puke if i say i like you too ?

*i said smart !!!!


*few at least he is not dead XXDDDD

no seriously....

i said to muten i'm too afraid to go out xD now, and will be just try to look like a boy more, and well, not getting any other

attention than the one who knows me


"duh you want a sexy pic of me ? ok, ...(wait he used to like me....) as long as you don't feel back what you used to

i'm ok jeez i'm starting to believe you have a pic of me in your wallet

"no i wont fall for a picture and i don't have one in my wallet but i used to have one in my phone....

phone...wait...we only took one picture with his phone...omg i was hugging him without noticing how he could feel OO

"damn...i'm starting to feel the pain you might have before....when we took that picture....i'm so sorry...i don't know how

you can forgive me to be so blind...

"forgive you ? it wasnt your fault..........................

so you see, now, i feel so confused, i have not stop crying for an entire week, first, because i was sad, then i was pissed ,

then really sad that they don't understand why i decide to keep both of them, then when one of them accepted, it wasn't the

one i wish would first, and then i cry for guilty, because i failed to make him happy, and then when i discovereed so many

love, i felt so happy, and yet so sad, because i never knew, how much i might have hurt them....just like muten, hugging me in

that picture...meant a lot for him...

i never noticed, i just treat him like a good friend, pal, since well, i don't think mylsef a girl but as a tomboy, and you

will know tama-sama, later, why i am this way, matth was right, i had to say to everyone, but, he wanted me to keep secrets

with him, and this was the only secret i had, and i only tell that to 2 people untill yesturday, matth and brian (i think

that's why they arent afraid to say how much they love me they felt like everyone were taking advantage of me, and wanted to

protect me) now they are 3, and next, will be you, words, because, you need to understand, why, i don't like guys, why, i dont

like to talk about sex, and all, why i stalk girls in train xD

i only notice now, how i can get so close to guys and girls, because, one friend matth and i know, from jpm, Edge, invited me

to go to the cinema, matth was just so jealous and went mad at me, then i told Edge, and he sent him an email :

"Seriously, you realy dissapointed me...i never knew you would think i would ever try to get her away from you, and get

interested in her, because she says so many good things on you, and she also her brother too, i just wanted to share our

passion for manga, jpop and drama. i wanted to meet everyone, and i invited her because i didn't know what to do with my free just don't trust us enough, jen and me, also you don't trust you enough."

Now, this, just make me realize, people just don't see me as a girl, like the others around but a nice pal, but still a

"Hey ! why don't you have a girlfriend ? you are handsome ! im sure you must be popular !
"ME ? HANDSOME ??? POPULAR ??? nooo....i'm shy...
"but you look so confident !
"i do ? no i don't think so...well...i don't like girls around me anyway, they are so selfcenterd and well, always

complained about everything bad that happens...tell me how their lovelife are shity, i can do somthing about it...i

just keep with them because i can't help it to be in their class and i want to get along so i can pass my year of school seriously i even hate my school...i feel so not in the right place...i want to finish it already to fly to

japan xD

I NEVER REALIZE IT !!!! that i just never complained X XDXD because i know they don't care
but i do complain, but not making sound like it....that's why, i always wonder if you ould get annoyed by me
because i would tell you my problms and all..........................

i liked you so much that i was afraid you might not like me T_____________T
but, when i pmed you, you would always answer...well not right in the moment, but when you have time and i really, i"m really

thanks ful for that. i just never realised how much you were there for me...

so, i started to write amail, to thank you and words, but things around kept changing every seconds and i just couldn't finish


i felt like, a yoyo xD wonder i cried that much
because there would be time things get better i will be so happy and think that the problm is solve, but then things get bad

and well the entire though just *poof* and hard to get back to reality and realy objectiv opinion...

and well, since now there are so many people involve, i just keep repeating what i feel to everyone
so when i would mention good things, i'll be happy and laughin, and when i mention bad things, i would start to cry, and thn

good thing, cry of joy and duh it's just endless

all i wanted to say i wanted to thank you and let you know that things got solved, but you might wonder then how things got

solved but to understand i have to tell you everything happen and well...nervous break down was expected

i never, understood the meaning of blood explosion until now

so, i wanted o let you know by this mail that i was going to send to the one i want them to know :

knock knock !

who is there ?


Jen who ?

Jen, jen jen jendjiskan !



Hi you two ! yes YOU, Myname and Microphone, wow i'm inspirated tonight lol

Well, it was kinda Inevitable, since i had Double trouble, that when i get things solved, i would welcome the happiness


First of all, i want to thank you two, for everything you have done for me, really, because without you guys, i wouldn't have

solved all this, and be back in a very beauty situation.

All i needed was to make the koi no jubaku going around and saying Anata Nashide was ikite yukenai to the one i felt like a

special generaton love, even if there was a koukuhaku and real situation of Tsukiatteru no ni Kataomoi but i just predicted a

Munasawagi Scarlet when i saw Waracchaou yo BOYFRIEND, but then again see like Nanchuu Koi wo Yatteruu YOU KNOW? But i know

mysefl that i wasn't just a 21ji Made no Cinderella to the one i love and well since i always seem to take things not

seriously the others would just go Gag 100kaibun Aishite Kudasai without understand i was Fighting Pose wa Date ja nai! for

the next s Chu! Natsu Party and well they thought i was a Sprinter but i felt like Watashi ga Suru Koto nai Hodo Zenbu Shite

Kureru Kare so i said Sayonara Hageshiki Koi and Natsu Remember you untill i feel again Omoitattara Kichi desse! and finally

undestand the Ai no Suki Suki Shisuu Joushouchuu

Thank you

ChrNo mode EmoBoy-from-youtube : on


WARNING : this mail is long, so if you don't read all of it, it's ok xD i don't want to waste your time, i just wanted to let

you know everything is fine.

WARNING 2 : ok i give up i'll just say it another day duh it's starting to get too long and well i just can't keep wirting


i cut all the crap part to just let you know what i think about you :

i realized, what tama-sama has done so far for me. more like, what she gave me :

-Her trust.(she told me so manything about herself, i was always afraid to annoy her by questioning too much, still am )
-Her opinions.(she would tell me when she thinks, i'm slow and silly ,or anything)
-Her crazyness (i liked her right away in the chat because she was so funny )
-Her feelings (such as when she is pissed about somthing, or really happy about...yuri :p)
-Her Time (yes, she talks to me omg im so happy T___T)

-Her *the thing i can't not talk about*
-Her phone number
-Her real name (she wasn't even afraid i would STK her T___________T maybe she didnt know at that time i take pics of every cute girls in trains )


-Her msn adress, SHE ADDED ME !!!! OMG CAN I BE MORE HAPPY NOW????????

If i can meet you for real

Anyway !!!!

Thank you

Without anyone, i will never have undestand my place here.
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